Ah, manscaping, the one topic so delicate that it’s almost impossible to not give too much information.  Well, I’m here to give it a go.

First of all, there are a few rules here that start at the neck and don’t apply to cycling specifically:

1.  Trim the neck beard – once a week whether you like it or not.  Nothing is nastier than a fella whose neck hair is two inches longer than the hair on his melon.  Have your wife knock that jungle down with a weed whacker if you must.  If you don’t have a wife who will do you the favor of shaving your neck, a large handheld mirror will allow you to see what you’re doing without cutting yourself bad enough to bleed out.

2.  Trim the nose hairs once a week.  Don’t use sharp pointed scissors, and be careful.  Also hit the uni-brow while you’re at it (and have your hair stylist trim your eyebrows every time you get your hair cut).

3.  Use clippers to knock down the ear hair once every other week.

These must be done on a regular basis, period.  If you’re ok with random, long, curly hair flailing about your face, that’s all good.  You’re the one that has to live with it…unless you’re married, in which case try this one time and see what she says.

Ok, that’s good for the rated G.  Moving on to PG:

1.  Unless you happen to be a relative of Chewbacca, while your wife is working on your neck, ask her to kindly hit the tufts of hair below your shoulder blades (once every two or three weeks).

2.  Arms and chest are optional.  I hate having long arm and chest hair but I’m not vain enough to shave my arms and chest on a regular basis.  A simple 10 minutes every other week (during winter, fall and spring – once a week in the summer) with trimmers and a guard (I use a #1 or #2) will get you looking sharp and tidy – and not like the big fella to the left.

3.  Legs – now this is where it gets controversial.  If you are a racer, it isn’t.  You shave.  We all get it.  Of course, long arm hair and bald legs look silly, but I’ll leave well enough alone.  Now I’m in a middle zone, between a real athlete and a fitness rider.  Smooth legs will help me in the water, there’s no doubt, but really, do I gotta?  Thankfully, I have the answer:  Maybe.   I have it on good authority that anyone at the State or Regional level will shave their legs – it helps with road rash and with a wet suit (I’m assuming – I’ve never worn one)/bare legged swim.  On the other hand, depending on location, most sport or fitness riders won’t.  Well that doesn’t exactly help either.  There is a compromise thankfully, go to the trimmers and tame that jungle – you’ll be comfortably right smack dab in the middle, where your significant other won’t complain about stubble and you won’t have to hide the fact that you’re using her razor in the shower.  Truth be told, I’ve read countless articles that suggest even noobs should be shaving their legs to go on a club ride lest they be derided for… uh, actually being a noob. (?)  In any event, I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve been thinking many writers post this misinformation just to catch the noobs up, so they show up to their first club ride, legs glistening, while their more experienced counterparts laugh like Wookies that another noob fell for the shaving the legs bit.  This will be a matter for the proprietor of your local bike shop – think of him as your Ben Kenobi, guiding you to the exhaust ports at the end of the trench as you’re about to blow up the Death Star.  If you need your legs shaved to avoid being derided by the fellas he’ll let you know.  How do I know this?

I asked.  I just wish I’d thought of that before I shaved my legs.  Figures.  Sorry honey, I used your old razor.

As for the R and NC-17 stuff…  You’ll have to go elsewhere for that.