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Daily Archives: June 3, 2012

Elephant Ears

This weekend is the Hometown Days Carnival in downtown Swartz Creek – I love the carnival. I enjoy watching my girls get all kinds of crazy about riding the rides. Wait times are all less than ten minutes so they get to do a lot. This year I wasn’t too excited about getting on the rides myself – I was a little sore from my sammich brick earlier so I took the job of photographer extraordinaire. The weather turned a little chilly, but we made it through without rain, so it was all good.

If I haven’t made it abundantly clear, I don’t eat healthy because I want to be a better athlete. I do eat healthy foods because my wife buys them. I do exercise because I enjoy it, not for competition (at least not yet)… On the other hand, I also exercise so I can dabble in the forbidden every now and again – enter Hometown Days…and the title of this post.

For those who don’t know, an elephant ear is very simple: It is a piece of deep-fried dough, butter and cinnamon-sugar. They are, without a doubt, one of the nastiest, most glorious treats known to mankind – and I ran and rode 35 miles yesterday for mine. After the girls had an hour or so on the rides, I began my recon of the grounds for the Elephant Ear Stand (it’s in that first night photo). I left my wife and kids to continue on the rides so that I could move about the crowd more nimbly and less conspicuously. My wife and I exchanged call signs and code words and decided to maintain radio silence until such time as I could procure my plateful of doughy, buttery, sugary goodness. We agreed that all communication would occur henceforth by TOFCP Devices [Texting On Freaking Cell Phone(s)].

At 22:19:24 EST, I sent my wife the following simple code: EES – LLBMR which stood for Elephant Ear Secure – Long Line By Miller Rd. After waiting my turn, cautiously in line, I ordered my earned sweet, buttered, doughy sinfulness and a cup of coffee. Shortly thereafter, my mission (as I accepted it) was three-quarters in the bag… Of course, anyone well versed in the art of Elephant Ear Procurement knows that the mission isn’t over until that tender morsel reaches the lips, so I could ill afford to let my guard down now. With a precision displayed properly only by the most adept EEP Agent [Elephant Ear Procurement Agent], I leapt into a fast, low trot. I weaved nimbly about the crowd, shielding the prize from prying eyes and hands. On more than one occasion it became necessary to deftly box out a hungry patron who must have felt that I must be a part of the 1% to be able to look as awesome as I clearly do, yet partake in the yummy goodness of an Elephant Ear, thus said patron obviously felt as though they were due their fair share of my desert. Well folks, they gotta sell stupid somewhere else, ’cause I wasn’t giving that sh!t up without a fight. Their greedy paws reached for my treat, until their eyes fell upon my steely gaze – they could see death in my black eyes and wisely backed down…

At 26:31:16 Zulu, I met my wife and girls at the Starship with my defended desert and we ate with smiles on our faces.

The remainder of the evening was uneventful, yet fun…

This morning’s ride was awesome, if a little cloudy. 16 miles @ recovery pace. Calories burned: 874

Calories in an elephant ear: 526

874 – 526 = It’s all good, baby!