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Daily Archives: January 11, 2013

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When You Absolutely, Positively Need That Zombie Dead…

Ammunition is a very personal choice.  I have always used Hornady personal protection ammo in my Wife and Child Safeguard – Hostility Involved Tactical (WACSHIT) firearm.  As I wrote yesterday, it was time to replenish the stock before some politician tries to do something stupid, so off to the sporting goods store(s) I went.  The truth is that any old bullet will do a job, but when you absolutely, positively need someone or something that is attacking you dead, who in their right mind would rely on anything but the best?  I won’t, so I’m not afraid to plunk the bigger bucks down on the occasion.  This gets interesting though.  What happens if you have a zombie that you absolutely, positively need dead – right now?

zombie-package-photo

Zombie Max bullets? My life is complete!

Thank goodness, Hornady now has the answer – I’ll be prepared for anything!  Including zombies.  WOOHOO!!!  Unfortunately, Hornady states on its website that these particular bullets are only for use on actual, real zombies so I opted for a different round – but at least I know if we ever have a zombie outbreak, I’ll be able to hop on down to the gun shop and load up.  This should be added to my list of Self Evident Truths:  When trouble – now even a zombie – comes through the door, light that sh!t up like a Christmas tree.

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Why This Drunk Can’t Drink… Even A Little Bit

Sorry kids, this isn’t a PG post, entirely…

I heard an interesting argument last night.  One that I haven’t heard in years, and it had me absolutely laughing – inside.

The argument is thus:  [Imagine I’m making a very shallow attempt at keeping a smirk off of my face] “I’m a chef so I have to study what wine goes with which food (at this point person lists several wines that I’ve never heard of and which meats they go with)…  Now, if I know that information and I am Italian so my momma raised me to believe that wine is “the nectar of the gods” and that it is “not to be abused”,  under that set of circumstances doesn’t it make sense that I should sample the goods every once in a while”?

And that’s when I stopped it…  Many a tired drunk will attempt to outsmart the recovered drunks – as if one of us old-timers agreeing or getting outmaneuvered in a debate would somehow “make it OK” or possible to drink a glass of wine with dinner every now and again.  So I opted for the surprise.  I said hey, you have a point (I did not attempt to hide the smirk on my face), go ahead and give it a try to let me know how that works out for you.

Now, if you’re an idiot or you don’t know any better or you just want to make a point by besmirching me, you could adopt the stance that my making a joke at that yahoo’s predicament was somewhat contemptible.  After all, it is a life and death disease and telling someone they should try controlled drinking – oh, me oh my, the horror!!!

Here’s the deal folks, a pretentious fellow tries to outwit the resident old-timers so he can somehow “prove” the error in their decision to remain completely free from alcohol, because millions of recovered and recovering alcoholics must simply be misinformed and ignorant while he, well-educated and worldly, must know better.  Here’s the reality folks.  Not only am I allergic to alcohol, I’m susceptible to other issues as well.  Take, for instance, sticking my dick in a blender and turning it on.  Now I recommend an alcoholic not drink just the same as I would recommend he not stick his dick (or boob for the ladies) in a blender and turn it on.  It’s not rocket science.  If you want to take it PG, I’d recommend to an alcoholic that he or she not take a drink just the same as I would recommend they not jump out of that perfectly good airplane without a parachute.  There’s something more to it than just a good laugh-line though.

You see folks, as an alcoholic, I metabolize alcohol just a little bit differently than most people.  That’s just the way it is, it’s science.  When alcohol crosses my lips and enters my blood stream, it sets off a craving that simply can’t be beaten by something as silly as a well-reasoned argument.  It can’t be reasoned with or fought or bartered with.  I am completely powerless over this phenomenon of craving.  It is a black and white issue.  If I allow alcohol into my system there is no telling when I’ll stop and who I’ll hurt in the process.  Though it may work in politics, presenting a plausible argument won’t change the way a drunk’s body metabolizes alcohol.  This is also why they’ve never been able to come up with a pill to cure alcoholism.  You simply can’t beat the craving for more.  This is why abstaining from the use of mood and mind altering drugs and alcohol, followed up with a comprehensive change in lifestyle works where everything else fails.  It works so well in fact, that I’ve never seen a person fail who has followed the path…  Not one.  Unfortunately, that path requires a certain level of honesty and humility that the pretentious simply can’t grasp and discussing the technical aspects with someone who doesn’t want to quit is akin to arguing with a brick wall that it should technically be six inches to the left – and then expecting it to move itself.  I have seen hundreds of those types fail over the years, so good luck with that.

I wish there were an easier, softer way.  I wish I could enjoy a nice glass of wine with my dinner because, yes, it would make that immaculately prepared fish dinner “perfect” to someone who doesn’t get it.  Unfortunately at every turn – and believe me, I’ve tried every different manner of controlled drinking I could think of (and then made some up) – if you’re really an alcoholic, hoping to have the occasional glass of wine simply isn’t reasonable, no matter how well structured the argument is – because if a glass would make a perfect dinner, two bottles would make it “perfect-er”.

Finally, this isn’t to say that this fellow didn’t have a chance at recovery.  Truly, if I can do it, anyone can (as long as you work to attain the ability to be honest).  Oh, and you have to check your pretentious arguments at the door.