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Monthly Archives: February 2014

What’s the best way to make a bike faster… Answered.

I love the fact that my stats page pops up some pretty awesome search queries from time to time. This one is probably my favorite recurring query:

what’s the best way to make a bike faster

Pedal faster… And harder.

Technically, for those who don’t know already, here’s the important stuff:

1. Get the bike fitted to you.
2. Eat right.
3. Get into the most aerodynamic position you can.
However, the BEST way to make a bike faster boils down to three words:  Frequency and intensity.

Then this:

are chewy sprees good when u lift weights

Ladies and gentlemen, Chewy Sprees are good any time. For more specificity, Chewy Sprees are good:
When it’s rainy
When it’s sunny
When it’s cloudy
When it’s warm
When it’s cold
When you’re happy
When you’re sad
When you’re angry
After a long swim
After a long ride
After a long run
After all three of the above in succession
After Fartleking (had to)
After weight lifting
On days off
… Must I go on? I think not.

UPDATE: Sue added in the comments, that getting someone to push might help too. This is a fabulous idea, though lassoing a pro would be even faster

Teaching as an Adviser: Parenting Your Older Children

What to Look For in an Entry-Level Road Bike

Spring is in the air, even if it is still well below freezing (20-40 degrees F below normal), and the new batch of soon-to-be cyclists are starting to peruse the web for tips they can use to help them pick the right road bike.  I had a search inquiry pop up in my stats yesterday that really piqued my interest:  “fast entry-level road bike”  Now, while there are, for all intents and purposes, fast bikes, when we’re looking at entry-level road bikes, it’s more about building fast legs than being able to pick an entry-level road bike that’s faster than another.  That said, there are certain steps that can be taken to improve one’s odds of becoming fast on an entry-level bike.  The important point here is that if you can become fast on an entry-level road bike, when you upgrade to a mid-range or high-end road bike, you’ll be a bit faster and a lot more comfortable.

To start this out, there are several important factors to look at when picking out a brand and the type of components you want.  I delve deeply into just what to look for, if you have interest, here so I won’t get too deep into that in this post.

For an entry-level road bike, as defined by cost:  $800-$1,800, you get an aluminum frame with a carbon fork and a range of options for components from the cheaper (and heavier) Shimano Sora line, all the way up to the 105 or even Ultegra line if you’re willing to go to the upper end of the range above.  If you’re planning on racing your entry-level bike, racers I know suggest nothing less than Shimano 105 components.  I own bikes with 105 and Ultegra components (one step up) and while the 105’s are great components, the Ultegra line is simply fantastic.

Now, I’ve got enough bikes and I’m deep enough into cycling that I can’t foresee the need for an entry-level bike in my future, but if I had to choose one, I’d go for the Specialized Allez Expert ($2,400 – Ultegra) or the Secteur Expert Disc ($2,000 – 105) because I like the geometry and the component line.  The frames, especially the Secteur, are very close to my Venge and I don’t know what it is about the Venge’s geometry but it fits me like a glove – I am amazed at just how comfortable I am on that bike.

That said, in an entry-level bike, all of the major brands offer a decent range of models if $800-$1,800 is what you consider affordable, neither will be appreciably “faster” than the next when comparing similarly priced road bikes.  The important differences in cost at that range is in the components.  The better the set of components, until you get to the very upper end (Dura Ace), the lighter they are and better they work.  This isn’t to say the low-end components don’t work, they do.  It’s just that the better components work better and are generally less finicky to keep in tune (my experience  suggests Ultegra is the best in the Shimano line for weight, durability and excellence in staying tuned though 105 is an excellent line as well).  The big difference is in crispness and speed of shift, not whether the components “work”.

More important will be the setup of the bike – and this is important if you want a fast bike.  Most entry-level bikes are set for comfort rather than speed.  To explain this entirely is a bit more technical than I care to get into for this post, but the manufacturers leave the fork long and use spacers to raise the stem, and thereby, the handlebar.  A higher handlebar means a more comfortable, less aerodynamic ride.  To set up an entry-level bike more like a race bike (higher saddle, lower bar) you can either experiment by placing the stem below the spacers or you can have the fork modified to limit the number of spacers below the stem.  Also, it helps to order a bike on the lower side of your size range:  At 6’0″ tall, my range is 56-59 cm frame (depending on the manufacturer of course – for Specialized and Trek I’m 56-59).  I own a 58 cm Trek that’s got a bit less of a drop and my race bike is a 56 cm frame.  For examples, I’m going to stick with Specialized because I own a few of them and I know the geometries.  We’ll be looking at 4 bikes:  The Allez (entry) geometry matches up with the Tarmac (mid to high-end race bike) and the Secteur (entry) matches up with the Venge (high-end race [though it does not match up as closely as the Allez and Tarmac – you’ll see]).

First the Allez and Tarmac:
Allez  Tarmac

But let’s look at the Allez superimposed over the Tarmac:


Click to embiggen

All that needs be done to change the Allez’s geometry to get close to the Tarmac is to drop the stem.  Now, if you’re looking for speed, you simply order the smaller sized bike in your range…  You’ll have to hike the saddle up and you’ll drop the stem down and voila!  You’ve got an aero setup on a $800 bike.  Let’s look at the Venge and Secteur:
Venge Secteur
And superimposed:

Click to Embiggen

Click to Embiggen

Not quite as close, but you get the idea, same theory – you get the smaller bike in your range, slam that stem and the cyclist will be in a much more aerodynamic position on a relatively reasonable bike.

Then all that’s left is to ride your bike…  A lot.  You get fast, upgrade your wheels considerably (wheels on entry-level bikes are crap – if you want another easy way to gain speed, this is where to start), and you’re well on your way…  To buying the Venge.  This is the crappy thing about cycling – once you get that entry-level bike, if you find you love the sport, you’ll be upgrading as soon as you have (or can borrow) the cash.  Why do you think I own the Venge.  😉

It is what it is.  Happy Hunting.


PS:  Steven Burkard, in the comments section below, added that buying a used bike is advisable as you can buy a nicer race bike for close to the same cost as a new entry-level.  I agree, as I did the exact same thing and ended up with my Trek 5200, full carbon with Ultegra components for less than I’d have paid for the most basic Trek or Specialized entry-level bike.  Be sure, if you’re in the market, to try that route as well.


On Being Okay With Who You Are…

Caution:  This post contains simple, honest language that is not cloaked in nonsensical, feel-good gibberish.

When it comes to running a marathon, I’m a wuss.  Now please don’t head off to the comments box to let me know I’m not actually a wuss.  I know this, I’m not a wuss in general.  In fact, when it comes to cycling I’m tougher than most.  When it comes to the desire to run a marathon however, it’s just not there, I’m okay with calling myself a marathon wuss.

I know, and am quite happy with, who I am in spite of this.  I would even go so far as to say that I’m satisfied.  Not that I can rest or retire on this, but I’m sexy and I know it, to borrow a line, and that’s good enough.

This is all well and good but being okay with oneself comes with a price tag:  Honesty.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone offer the notion that I (or anyone else) should be happy with a fat body, I’d be rich.  And if I were to actually take that advice and eat myself to obesity, I’d be miserable – there is no dressing that up.  I simply can’t grasp the concept, it seems silly (and childish).

Reality is the problem here.  I look at it like I would recovering from alcoholism.  It isn’t rocket science, I simply can’t drink like other people, so I don’t.  Being happy fat would be like trying to “be okay with who I am” while I’m drunk in a ditch.

“Oh, hey, I know you took a piss in the hamper last night, then tried to ear f**k me before you passed out with the plunger sticking out of your @$$, but hey, you just need to be okay with who you are”.  Said no wife to her husband ever in the history of Mankind!

Who could be happy like that, and exactly how ignorant would you have to be to believe it?  How gullible?  Well, the thought of being fat isn’t quite that bad, but being fat will kill you even quicker than being a drunk:  My aunt died before she hit fifty and I have no plans on following her lead.

Looked at from the another angle, I own some very nice clothes.  The notion that I could be as happy as I am now if I was as big as Rob Ford and had to buy my clothes at the tall and fat store is simply preposterous.  Impossible. I will not be happy with a waist size greater than my inseam. I will not be happy as a fat man.  I will not be satisfied if I am overweight.  I refuse.  My friend (and probably one of my biggest inspirational fellows) Jim calls the attempt “Telling each other lies at the donut shop”.  He’s one tough old coot who still runs and rides regularly.

I suggest it’s about time we bury that cliché.  Don’t attempt the impossible, instead why not look at it another way:

Fitness, much like happiness, is an inside job and is not achieved overnight. Trimming down takes time and effort so motivation and focus are crucial.

Be satisfied in doing the next right thing at any given moment to get where you want to be.

If you’re not doing the next right thing, look at the bright side:  You know where to improve.

Last night I had to go to the corner store to pick up a few items for dinner.  I, rather stupidly, walked down the cookie aisle where I passed the Oreos.  As I reached out for the container I thought, “is this the next right thing?” and withdrew my hand.  A dozen cookies would last five or ten minutes and take weeks to recover from.  Not today.

I Heart Darwin… Michigan Man Shoots Himself in the Head

I love the News show The Five – it’s just like NPR in reverse:  Four conservatives gang up on one liberal.  The one difference is that the liberal on Fox is Bob Beckel, not some squishy conservative like David Brooks on NPR.  Last night Bob Beckel’s “One More Thing” centered on a story about a Michigan man who was attempting to show his girlfriend that guns were safe by pointing three of them at his head and pulling the trigger. Bob mischaracterized the event by saying the man was showing off three unloaded weapons.

Well folks, the last one obviously wasn’t unloaded because when the man pulled the trigger, it fired and the man died.  Bob used this event to leave with the notion that having guns at home is not safe.

Now for the rest of the story:  The man had been drinking much of the day.  Well I am shocked and amazed, but it gets better:

“(The situation) is pretty unique, as I have never heard of anyone testing out  the safety of a gun by pointing at their head and pulling the trigger,”  Undersheriff Michael McCabe told the Oakland Press.

Well imagine that, seems to me the Theory of Natural Selection explains this one just about to a tee.  Now allow me the dalliance of pointing out a few things that dope did wrong:  First, when “demonstrating pistol safety”, one does not treat a pistol as a toy or a prop.  It is neither.  Pistols have one purpose and one purpose only:  To fire a bullet out of the barrel at a very high velocity when the trigger is pulled.  It is not a toy.  Period, end of lesson one.

Second, and this is literally the first thing taught in a weapon’s safety course:  You never place your finger on the trigger unless you are pointing at a target that you intend to shoot.  This would mean your own noggin – unless you intend to put a hole in it, don’t place your finger on the trigger.  Period, end of lesson two.

Third, and this goes to:  “To Thine Own Self Be True”, if you’ve imbibed in an adult beverage or twenty, you tend to become stupid the farther into the bottle you go.  You do stupid things in other words.  The last thing you want is to be stupid with a pistol in your hand.  That’s the second thing they teach you in gun safety.

Finally for the lessons, when handling a pistol, or any kind of firing weapon, ALWAYS ASSUME IT’S LOADEDThis point is not rocket science.  Clearing a weapon prior to inspection and locking the slide back (or sliding out the cylinder [the round piece that holds the bullets] for a revolver) is always advised.

Having a pistol in the home, Mr. Beckel, is not dangerous if it is handled with the care it deserves.  Little boys play with “guns” in the back yard, heck my two daughters, my wife and I play with Nerf “guns” all of the time (and we’re quite the crack shots actually).  Pistols and revolvers are not toys, nor are BB-guns and pellet guns.  Using an utter idiot, drunk no less, as a talking point example for why pistols are dangerous, is almost as stupid as putting a loaded pistol to your head and pulling the trigger to show your girlfriend that it’s safe – with three kids in the house.  C’mon Bob – you’re better than that, and interesting that you chose to leave the drunk part out of your One More Thing, one ex-drunk to another.

If you can’t do a push-up, is it still a push-up? And why do you care?

Picture this in your mind… Or look in the mirror next time you do a push-up…

You’re (or you see someone) in the set position, arms in close but at an ungodly angle. Butt a foot higher than your head. You make, with the ground, something short of but close to, an isosceles triangle.

Ready… Set… Few more seconds, okay… Ready… Set.. Go. You bend at the elbows and lower your chest exactly one and one half-inch. You push and strain to reverse your momentum… Your face turns an unhealthy shade of red… Then purple… And boom, you lock your elbows. Now for number two! Rinse and repeat four more times.  I saw this just last night before my daughter’s swim class (older kids).

Now that, folks, ain’t a frickin’ push-up. I don’t care what the excuse is, it doesn’t matter.

If you’re running around claiming you can do fifty push-ups when you can really only do fifty 1-1/2″ chest drops, you have an honesty problem. The fact that someone else chuckles as you’re doing them is surely a little rude, but c’mon man! Get on your knees and do the easy ones till you’ve got the strength and form to do them right… or something!

Now, this isn’t to take away from those who are trying to improve, but for the love of God, try just a little honesty!

I am a fair cyclist. Above average speed but I probably won’t get to the next level because I’m not willing to put in the effort, nor do I have a desire to get used to feeling that uncomfortable when I ride.  A 22 mph (21.7 actual) Century on open roads is good enough!  I don’t want to work any harder to get faster.  Period.  The point is, I’m happy with how I ride.  What someone else thinks of my being happy is none of my business.

The same goes for any other of the cardio activities.  Running, cycling or swimming…and push-ups too. I read a post yesterday in which the author was “fuming” at the suggestion made by sub-four hour marathoners that a fifteen minute mile is not running, that the cutoff is 4 hours.  She had a point too.  Humorously enough, I think I’ve come down on both sides of the issue depending on my mood and the day.

First, this is why I love cycling. Buy the equipment ride in a straight line on the correct side of the road and you’re a cyclist.

There are exceptions to this of course… If your bike has platform pedals, you “ride a bike to stay/get fit”. If you ride a mountain bike exclusively you’re a “mountain biker”.  The exceptions are purely my opinion though, as is the whole sub-four hour marathon debate.  It’s all opinion.

I don’t think the debate is the problem though.  What gets people fired up is the arrogance.   The “it doesn’t matter” crowd is angry with the “sub-four (or eight minute mile) crowd’s arrogance – and they are arrogant.  Humorously enough, the “it doesn’t matter” crowd, if they’re honest, will see that their opinion that it shouldn’t matter can be just as arrogant.

This debate boils down to one simple concept: Whether or not it should be law that anyone who is chronically late set their watch/clocks 10 minutes fast.  A compelling case could be made; think of all of the tardiness that could be cured, instantly!

On the other hand you have the normal people who are regularly on time and point out that setting the clocks fast ten minutes is a step below selling snake oil.  The practice is silly.  After all, you still know that the clock is set ten minutes fast!  How easy are you to fool that you can look at the clock and not know this?

Who cares?

The reason I picked the clock analogy is quite simple.  Mrs. Bgddy has every clock in the whole house, and her car, set at different times.  The bedroom clock is seven minutes fast, the mini-van is set twelve minutes fast, the cable box is set at the proper time because you can’t adjust it, as is her phone.  I find the whole thing hilarious – and believe it or not, I still get caught by both the mini-van and bedroom clocks every once in a while.  Here’s the important part though:  I love my wife – the sun rises and sets on her.  Because I love her, I choose to see the humor in the whole clock thing.  I could choose to get angry, to take offense, but what would that solve?

My wife is set in her ways, allowing myself to be frustrated over something so trivial would only hurt me.  I must always remember that I chose my wife – all of her wonderfulness and all of her faults.  In fact, had it not been for her faults, she may have picked a better husband.  Think on that for a minute.  The trick is using the same thought process for others – because I didn’t choose them.

I must maintain my own honesty – and I honestly don’t care what the difference is between a runner and a jogger.  At least today I don’t – because being happy is more important that who thinks what about whom.

Several years ago, on the phone with a very good friend and mentor, I was complaining about my wife.  We had gotten in an argument and I left rather than lose my temper.  I was whining about what a pain in the ass she was and how she wasn’t being rational and so on…  He said, “Jimmy, sometimes you want to throw them like a dart but you just gotta love ’em”.  I started back in, “Yeah but…”  And he interrupted me, “You just gotta love ’em”.   I started in again, “but…”  “You just gotta love ’em”.

I finally get it Mike.

Mountain Biking Essentials: The Chain Stay Protector

Ah, spring is about us and it’s almost mountain biking season up here in the great frozen north that is Michigan.  Mountain biking is a fun, cool side-sport for a devoted road cyclist.  I’ve always looked at it as being able to turn back the clock a little bit and behave like a kid – a chance to play in the dirt, jump my bike and other unrefined behaviors that one typically won’t take part in on the road.

This comes at a price however.  Being a cycling enthusiast of epic proportions, I love a good-looking, scratch-free bike.  In most cases, a clean paint job and mountain biking do not go hand-in-hand.  If I’m doing it right, I will crash from time to time.  On the other hand, there is one place to minimize unnecessary damage:  The chain stay (see photo).

Lizard Skins Chain Stay Protector

The one thing I noticed, and hated, when I first started mountain biking was how loud it was going down a rocky hill.  The chain would smack mercilessly on the chain stay as I bounced down the hill.  While new bikes do come with a nice little sticker over the top of the chain stay, with the amount of abuse I threw at that bike I knew it would only be a matter of time before I wore through the sticker and got into the paint and aluminum – or worse, if I hit a bump hard enough the chain would gouge into the softer material of the chain stay.

That’s about the time that I noticed my buddy Tim’s bike didn’t make all the noise that mine did – he had a Lizard Skin chain stay protector on his bike.  I picked one up that afternoon and cannot be happier with the way it quieted down my ride and kept the chain from scratching the chain stay.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that they do present another problem:  If they’re installed loose over the chain stay, so that they can move or slide about relatively freely, a chain stay protector will collect dirt and wear the stay where it’s not protected by that sticker.  Care should be taken to install them correctly and to make sure it stays relatively clean so dirt can’t work its way underneath.

How I Prepared for My First Century Bike Ride…

Cycling Season is upon us and with that comes new cyclists and an almost uncontrollable urge to achieve cycling greatness in line with running’s marathon:  The Century – 100 miles of pure cycling bliss.  The century, by far, is my favorite distance.  I ride at least four every season with a couple of training rides that come awfully close or go slightly over (90-115 miles)…

This post will be relatively short and is intended simply as a broad overview of how to get into shape for your first.  For a more detailed look, I have two posts on the subject, here and here.

There are a few main preparation points that will help even the greenest noob conquer the century, if you’re willing to put the work in – and it is a lot of work.

First and foremost is your bike and the equipment you’ll need.  I recommend a professionally fitted road bike but I’ve witnessed people complete centuries on knobby tire mountain bikes – they just finished after I was already home, fed, showered, had taken a nap and was out cutting the lawn (this is a facetious point, I don’t really know when they finished, you get the point though).  You should also have at least one spare inner tube, tire levers, either a CO2 or a frame mounted tire pump, a patch kit and a multi-tool with a chain tool on it – and know how to use all of the items.  For your saddle, unless you desire a numbed, chafed and bleeding sitting area, I recommend a real, fitted, gender specific road saddle with minimal padding and a pair of excellent cycling shorts.  I don’t care how big you think your butt is or how bad you think you look in those shorts, they’re a necessity.  Period.  After that, you’ll need H2O (and a sports drink/supplement), some snacks (my favorites are Jelly Belly Energy Beans [with caffeine] and ERG Energy Bars) and a fair amount of sunscreen – you’ll be out there in the sun for a while.

As for training, I chose to ride almost every day.  Not because I needed to but simply because I love to ride.  I rode 16 miles (Wed., Fri.), 20-35 on Tuesday, 35 on Saturday and 20 on Sunday.  Monday’s off, and this started in March.  At the end of April, I jumped into my first metric century (62.4 miles).  After that, I added a few miles to my Saturday ride (40-45 total) and kept with that until the beginning of July when I jumped again, for a training ride with some guys from my local club, to 80 miles.  A couple of weeks after that I did my first full Century ride, the Tour des Lac in Fenton.  You’ll notice, hopefully, that the jump in mileage was pretty big at each new milestone.  While cycling is work, it has been my experience that it is not like running where I would only increase by 10% at a time.  I was perfectly okay with doubling single ride mileage every two weeks to a month.  I did this, however, on professionally fitted, high-quality equipment.  Substandard equipment hurts more and that must be taken into account.

I can offer this one tip on how to jump mileage in relative comfort:  Take your average speed and knock 1-1.5 mph off of that for the longer distance.  For instance, my average pace was just shy of 20 mph for 30 miles (with no help or drafting).  I completed my first metric century on my own (no help/drafting) at 18.5 mph and I was pretty well spent but fine.  When I jumped from that to the 80 mile ride, that was done (with drafting help) at 19 mph.  After a full season of Centuries under my belt, last year I started working on speed.  I did the Tour des Lac at 20.5 mph with four other guys and the Assenmacher 100 at 21.7 with a large group.

Now, with all of that said, a word of caution:  Cycling a hundred miles is not easy.  At speed (17-20 mph) you burn almost two pounds worth of calories.  You’ll sweat anywhere from two to four liters from every pore on your body.  You’ll burn through enough salt to send your doctor into a conniption.  You will be sore after your first one.  It’s a lot of work, even if you do take it easy.  Prepare yourself well, work hard to get your body in shape for the effort and you will feel amazing afterwards.  You will know that you’ve done something exceptional and your friend’s jaws will drop in awe of the accomplishment.  Do enough of them and all of that stubborn fat that you’ve had a tough time with will melt away into svelte, slender lines and you’ll be left with legs of granite.

As with anything in life, it works if you work it.

Initial Thoughts on the Specialized Hardrock Sport Disc 29er

Yesterday was cold today, but not cold. Windy, but not Wicked Witch of the West windy, maybe 15-20 mph…and the sun was a shinin’. Oh, and Mrs. Bgddy needed hamburger buns for dinner, but more importantly my brand new Specialized Hardrock Sport 29’er had exactly zero miles on it and I’ve had it for a full week. This is entirely unacceptable. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve been cooped up for way too long.

In other words, it was time to see what a new 29’er with hydraulic disc brakes rides like compared to my trusty 26″ 3700. Normally, I’d want to take a bunch of photos of a new bike before I get it dirty but with spring several weeks away, I simply can’t stand just looking at that beautiful steed anymore. I’m not one of those museum curator bike owners. A cool bike is meant to be ridden hard, not looked at.

So I geared up and headed out the door for a short adventure to the market.

The first thing I noticed was what a smooth, wonderful ride it produced. Second, was how heavy it is compared to the Venge (chuckle, it’s almost twice the weight). The 29″ wheels take a lot more effort to spin up but once they’re up to speed, they roll excellently. The Specialized Fast Track tires (with Flak Jacket puncture protection) roll well, have a medium aggressive knobby pattern and are great on pavement.

The neatest change is in going from standard cable pull rim brakes to hydraulic discs… I don’t have them broken in entirely but they still grab a lot better and there’s no squish to them. They’re also a lot less complex even if the technology can seem harder to grasp initially.

The front fork suspension is a huge upgrade – beefier, smoother, softer, easier to adjust and has a lockout.

Another difference, though not as great as I initially assumed would be, is the shifters. The old over-under thumb and forefinger shifting is much less accessible. The new system doesn’t require the rider to remove a finger from the grip to shift. I was quite used to the old shifting mechanics and while it did cause a minor bobble from time to time, it was generally quite solid. The new shifters are quite a bit more ergonomically sound but that’s about it.

As I’ve unplugged the cycling, I didn’t even bother taking my phone with me so I have no stats whatsoever to share though I “felt” quicker.

Now, the important point here is cost to value as it pertains to gains on the single track. The Hardrock 29’er Sport Disc is almost double the cost of a normal entry-level high-end mountain bike. The biggest gain is in the quality of the suspension and brakes. If you’re just planning on cruising around town then a $700 (before tax) mountain bike is probably a bit of overkill (and an unnecessarily nice target for thieves). On the other hand, if you’re using it almost exclusively for the single track trails, the longer wheel base, much improved shocks and brakes are worth the investment – almost anyone who has spent time on the trail will cop to this reality. Will the differences make me faster? The hydraulic disc brakes and the 29″ wheelbase will (the larger wheel base will roll over obstacles better and have a bit more clearance). The lockout in the shock will be nice for paved and dirt road cruising but the beefier shock will simply last longer and take more abuse.

Now, if you’ve got a spouse who is awesome enough to drop some serious coin on a play-bike, then by all means… The Hardrock Sport 29’er is a fine mountain bike.

IPhone WordPress Constantly Crashing? Help is on the way!

I’ve been ready, many times over the last few weeks, ever since the new WordPress app upgrade came out, to incinerate or otherwise vaporize my phone. I was lucky if I could get WordPress to start on the first try and if I wasn’t lucky, it could be ten minutes of the app crashing before it would finally, mercifully, decide to open up. If this sounds familiar, fear not! Help is on the way… From Apple!

That’s right folks, there’s a new operating system update out and it’s fixed whatever was conflicting with WordPress.

To those who build the WordPress app, I apologize profusely for comparing the WordPress app with the Obamacare website to my wife. Turns out it looks like it wasn’t your fault after all.

Imagine that. Now just imagine if Apple had tried to convince everyone that there was really nothing wrong and that their operating system was right and everyone else was a mess, and then launch a news attack campaign against those who were having problems with the operating system, calling them anti-Apple-ists. Then Apple audited those user’s accounts for irregularities and possible law violations, payment and regulation infringements and general misuse of iTunes (and then when they found none, they just made some up and put the burden of proof on the WordPress user), costing the detractors tens of thousands of dollars and countless hours to defend their right to say something about it… And then, the WordPress hating media came out and tried to lend credence to Apple’s claim that the detractors were actually complaining about nothing! The detractors were anti-Apple separatists and the even probably posed a homegrown terrorism risk – simply for wanting their WordPress app to work right and otherwise leave them the hell alone – as was intended in the first place, according to the companies founding documents.

Wait a minute… I can’t put my finger on it… Hmmm…

Oh yeah! Then Democrat Senators came to the rescue of the people and gave them minority protections, so if the big bad evil corporations tried to attack them unfairly like that ever again, the swift hand of justice and condemnation would rain down from the Heavens!!!

Nah. That’s just crazy talk. That could never happen. Nothing to see here, move along.

Seriously though, if you’re having trouble with your WordPress app, the new iOS update fixes it. Thanks Apple for fixing whatever you did, Daddy’s iPhone is much better – and I’m a much happier fella.

UPDATE: Nope, the iOS upgrade just worked better for 12 hours or so, back to hanging up on me. Deleted the whole WordPress app figuring I should just start fresh. New app took three crashes before it finally opened. What a mess.