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Kristen Stewart Acting School…

February 2014
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I just heard this morning that Kristen Stewart is writing poetry! Oh yea! Because her acting is like, so awesome!

Now, mommy porn notwithstanding (if you don’t think the Twilight series is indeed ‘mommy porn’, you simply lack vision and reason), I thought I would bring you just a sample of the awesomeness that Stewart shares with the women of the world at the Kristen Stewart Learn to Act School of Acting:

First, to show fear: breathe heavily, look far off in the distance, cock head to one side…

To show passion: breathe heavily, look far off in the distance, cock head to one side… Increase breathing speed as suspense builds.

To show yearning: breathe heavily, look far off in the distance, cock head to one side… Increase breathing speed as romantic suspense builds.

To show need for the friendship of another man, with whom you “just want to be friends” but who absolutely wants to ride you to the next county, but you’re conflicted – hoping against hope that he’ll give up on wanting to ride you like a show pony so you can indeed “just be friends” and cuddle when you just need to be held by another man: breathe heavily, look far off in the distance, cock head to one side… Increase breathing speed as romantic angst builds.

Finally to show happiness: What is happiness? The man you love is a vampire, the other guy who won’t give up on wanting to bone you so you can just be held and have your emotional affair with another man, is a dog! [ED Aaawwww, puppy love!]…  Increase breathing speed as angst builds.

This has been the summation, the entirety, of Kirsten Stewart’s acting ability.  I can’t wait for that poetry.  Not really, I’m joking.


4 Comments

  1. Daniel Weise says:

    Ok, I just have one question – who’s Kirsten Stewart? I’m guessing from the vampire/dog reference we’re talking Twilight, but I’ve not seen it.

    • bgddyjim says:

      Twilight, yes. She also played in the newest version of Snow White (and the Huntsman), in which she played a completely different roll, exactly the same way – also in which Charlize Theron performed the WORST fake British accent in the history of modern cinema. Other than that, the movie was so-so (in my humble opinion).

  2. Eileen says:

    “Wants to ride you to the next county”

    You should be the one writing poetry!

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