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The Denver Post Attacks Girl Scout Cookies – I’ve Had Enough, You Dirty Fascist Bastards. Shut It.


April 2014

I don’t care if you can’t eat a cookie without pigging out on the whole box.  I don’t care that you have to avoid them like the plague to stay true to your diet.  I can’t drink successfully so I don’t freaking drink – I don’t run around saying the world shouldn’t consume alcohol because I can’t.  To do so would mean I was an idiot.

We’ve had our run at prohibition and it didn’t turn out too well – though it was good for organized crime, you know, machine guns in the streets and all.

So what’s got my undies in a bunch this morning?

A writer, Diane Hartman, for the Denver Post attacked Girl Scouts and Girl Scout cookies…  It’s the way she does it that’s got me all kinds of fired up:

“I will try to make a logical case here and ask readers to stop biting themselves and pretend they can be logical, too.”

Oh, this is a brilliant way to start a conversation – insult the people you want to converse logically with before we’ve even left the gate.  Stop biting myself and pretend I can be logical?  Go to hell, you dumbass.  See, now it’s on so I’m going to have some fun with “logical”:

In fact, let’s take this GS cookie notion a step further and play this out…  Pizzas, that she referenced in her article, aren’t what the kooks call healthy, so maybe they should be banned as well.  In fact, pasta is overeaten too, so maybe we should round the Italians up, they are the source of both after all, and send them to re-education camps run by Veganazis.

Moving on:

“America is drowning in obesity. Nobody wants to talk about this part of the Girl Scout cookie craze. Take Thin Mints, which account for 25 percent of the sales (and those sales are over $200 million). If you eat four of the tiny things, which no human has ever done, you get 160 calories. The saturated fat in them is 25 percent. They have some trans fat, some palm oil and are high carb … all those things you’ve probably been trying to avoid.”

Well Diane, my girls and I eat Samoas three at a time – yeah, those are the caramel, chocolate and coconut cookies, far better than mere Thin Mints (though that is fairly debatable)…  And 160 calories?  That’s nothing.  I burn that off in exactly ten minutes on my bike.  Ten minutes – LESS THAN FOUR MILES.

“Maybe you think by saying, “Well, they’re Girl Scout cookies,” takes all the bad out of them? Everyone has apparently agreed that they are exempt from the list of things that make you fat. They’re soaked in chocolate, of course, and all of us know chocolate has addictive ingredients in it and transforms your brain so you can’t stop eating it.”

Got that ladies?  She’s advocating the banning of chocolate as well.  And what’s that bit about a “list of things that make you fat”?  Nothing makes me fat because I am physically active and I don’t overeat.  So this dope is suggesting that because a certain segment of the population chooses overindulgence, we normal folk (and the Girl Scouts) should suffer the loss and turn to broccoli for the greater good… How about this, you nags: Piss off.  Here’s my favorite part:

“Another pseudo-reason for Girl Scout cookies is to help Girl Scouts learn responsibility and the business of selling. When the idea first started, the Scouts had a recipe sent out by the main office, so the girls could make them to sell to friends and relatives. Now they get shipped by the case…”

So what!?  This discussion would be different somehow if the girls made the cookies themselves?  How stupid does this woman think you are?

Oh wait, that last bit wasn’t my favorite part, this is:

“There are clouds on the horizon. We’ve all heard about climate change and it’s hard to dispute it, no matter how it came about. Some people think humans should try to change the scary course of the world. One idea is to use energy-efficient light bulbs. How hard would it be for the squads of energetic, idealistic Girl Scouts to switch from cookies to light bulbs that are good for our planet?”

Now there’s logic for you!  Have little seven to twelve-year-old girls sell mercury filled light bulbs that require just short of an immediate evacuation and a hazmat suit should one accidentally break one.  Yes, that’s just freaking brilliant – and that dumbass is questioning my ability to be logical?  Never mind the idiocy involved in believing that this is actually a viable fundraising idea.  I’m going to let the whole global warming thing go – that’s another post all on its own – just take note of the “some people think humans should try to change the scary course of the world”…  Yeah, and “some people” believe screwing animals is awesome.  I’m not going to pay those idiots any attention either.

To bring this to its humorous close, we get to the bottom of Diane’s lapse of sanity:

“I don’t think my daughter enjoyed pushing those cookies and I didn’t like taking them to my office, hoping someone would buy some so my daughter wouldn’t be humiliated in her troop.”

She’s not even sure whether or not her daughter “enjoyed pushing those cookies” – but Diane obviously didn’t appreciate it, lest her little girl be humiliated by her mom for not selling cookies to people who look forward to this time of year.  I wonder how wonderful she would feel showing up with a box of light bulbs, trying to hock those to someone like me – who would absolutely humiliate her.  Remember that part in my post yesterday, where I wrote:  “The important fact here is that I choose to be the guy who people want to have around – not the guy that causes eyes to roll when they see me heading up the road to the parking lot”?  Irony is awesome:

“Even my closest friends get really annoyed when I talk about this.”

No shit lady, it’s because you’re an asshole.  Knock it off.


  1. Paige says:

    In the south there’s only one appropriate response to her article…(read as slowly as humanly possible & make it as many syllables as you can)…bless her heart! In this situation you might even need to look down at the ground as you say it.

  2. bpangie says:

    Hahaha. Yes, I’ll take five of those lovely light bulbs you’re selling… (By the way, I think Thin Mints are highly overrated. I, too, am a Samoa guy through and through…).

    What happened to responsibility?

  3. Daniel Weise says:

    My guess is she had a deadline and had to turn in an article of a certain length regardless of the topic.

    You know it is SO idiotic that I will have to take a moment or two to try and make sense of it all if I can.

  4. Ha. We were just out yesterday evening selling cookies.

    Oh, and you don’t really sell Girl Guide Cookies, you offer Girl Guide Cookies. I wish my sales job was as easy as that.

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