Ah, Louis, you are awesome. Your bikes are sharp and beautiful. Your high-end jerseys are amazing; they’re bright, comfortable and look good after years of hard wear.
It’s the new shorts, Louis, that leave a lot to be desired. See, I don’t own a pair of them, I’ve always ridden a different brand but I have this good friend who wears them exclusively and swears by their comfort. Now before I get going on this roll, your ability to produce wonderful products is truly inspirational… But your shorts, brother. Something must be done about your shorts. Here’s the deal, and I’ll try to be, um… Well, funny: Cycling, once you get to the 20+ mph crowd, is mainly dudes, for whatever reason. When you get to the club cyclists who are crazy enough to spend more than a hundred bucks on a pair of shorts and who own several pair, it’s 9 to 1 guys. Cycling that fast isn’t easy either, as I’m sure you know. It takes a lot of concentration, right? Can we agree on that?
Sweet. Now, when we studs are blasting down the road at 40-45 kmh with just 15-30 cm between tires and we’re concentrating on keeping that razor-thin line tight, what would be the worst thing to see right ahead of you? Well, besides the headlights of a Buick, one on either side of your front wheel?…
Um… Yeah, the answer, Louis, is: Ass Crack.
Louis, your shorts are see-through brother, and not just a little bit. Seeing the butt crack of my best cycling bud while blasting down the road, is horrible. They’d be awesome on my wife but it’s discombooberating on anyone butt. Butt I digress… Big time. You see, that whole team Sky thing, with the see-through kit, yeah that’s gnarly lookin’ even on the pros. It’s a joke actually… But your shorts are even worse! Sky’s kit at least has that solid black patch that covers the crack.
Your butt crack-showing shorts are going to cause accidents. Worse, I’m going to have to figure out a way to tell my cycling buddy that when he rides he’s mooning the guy behind him (see, I’m smart enough that after I rode behind him for the first mile in a warm-up seven miler the other day, I didn’t make the mistake a second time). Point is Louis, we’re taught to say no to crack. So please, help us in that endeavor.
No more crack, baby. We need a little more coverage on those cycling shorts ’cause unless you’re gay, guy ass is the one thing that can mess up a really good ride. Some shit, Louis, is not supposed to be seen on a bike ride. Help a brother out, PLEASE! I’m begging you.
Today was one of those rare, perfect mornings for a bike ride. 68 degrees, not a cloud in the sky and not even a hint of a breeze. Having all three, temp, sun and no wind converge may only happen in my neck of the woods three or four times a year.
Unfortunately we’ve got a full day today. My eldest has her last swim meet of the year and then we have our anniversary celebration dinner tonight so a short ride was all I could fit in and then throw in the long ride tomorrow…
I set out with my mind made up on a 16 miler and with my long ride planned for tomorrow I set a target for an easy 53-54 minutes. After all, I want to have some spring in my step tomorrow morning, right? Well I held that pace for all of 500 feet. It was just too nice. I settled in at about a 2:50 pace and just cruised. I couldn’t waste a wind-free day.
About ten miles in and still feeling fantastic, I decided to throw in another four miles and make it an even twenty. I may pay for that at the beginning of our ride tomorrow, maybe for a few miles… but I just couldn’t help but get the most out of a perfect day.
I finished the 20 in under an hour, smiling. Best laid plans are awesome until they meet a perfect day for cycling. Then it’s Katie bar the door.