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Daily Archives: August 9, 2015

The Proper Cyclist Response to the “Lance Armstrong Wannabe” Charge.

If you haven’t heard the “Lance Armstrong wannabe” charge, you’re riding too slow.  Pick up the pace, don the appropriate kit and watch ’em trickle in.  I hear it quite often…  “Are you one of them there Lance Armstrong wannabes?” Or, “You’re one of them Lance Armstrong wannabes, ain’t ya?”

Notice the wonderful command of the English language.  Grade school grammar notwithstanding,  what kind of jerk do you have to be to ask someone that?

Truthfully, you have to be a fairly large @$$hole and having to come up with something witty in response to a large poop chute might leave you flatfooted so I decided to help my fellow cyclists with appropriate responses.  Feel free to use any that you find worthy…

“You one of them Lance Armstrong wannabes?” (Or alternately, “Why are you one of them….”)

Now, if you want to take “@$$hole” up a notch, allow me to recommend these:

Response:  Look at your accoster head to toe and say, “Well it beats being an Al Bundy wannabe.  You make it work though.”

Response:  “Ah, no…  I ride clean but I find it informative you think it desirable to get caught doping, lose the respect of anyone who ever believed in you and be banned from anything that has to do with competition for the rest of your life.”

Response:  “Oh, so that would make you one of those sissies who needs a motor on their bike to get somewhere.”  [I highly recommend that you’re bigger or faster than the person you use this response on].

Response:  “Well, I was going to wimp out and buy a motorcycle but after I thought about it, I opted for the form of entertainment that runs on fat, not my wallet.”

Response:  “Ah, not so much, though I do enjoy being an avid cyclist.  Our average yearly income is around $125,000 whereas statistics show the typical person who complains about Armstrong wannabe’s averages $27,500, is on federal assistance, shops at Walmart and has to lick a politician’s ass for more free shit to compensate for their lack of desire to get off of the couch.  I’m sure that’s not you though.”

Response to a man:  “No more than you’d wannabe a stinky dick.”

Response to a woman:  “No more than you’d want to be known as the girl who can suck-start a Harley.”

Now, most of those are incredibly rude, in fact those responses actually take “rude” up a notch…  I especially love the “suck-start a Harley” one, that line always tickles my funny bone…  Err, Anyway, they make for a good laugh but I’m not that kind of guy except on paper.  When I’m really responding to a jerk, I like to take it down a notch while smacking that @$$ in the process.  For that reason, these are my favorites:

Response:  “My last checkup showed I should live happy, active life… till I’m 124.”

Response:  “No, though having a smaller waist than my inseam definitely doesn’t suck.”

Response:  “So you think fit, happy and able to eat whatever I want is a bad thing?”