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Home » Humor » Gun Control Activists, Hunters, Democrats, Republicans Unite, Rejoice: Congress Sends Bill to President Outlawing Bear Attacks on State and Federal Land During Hunting Season! Bears Stunned, Vow Supreme Court Battle.

Gun Control Activists, Hunters, Democrats, Republicans Unite, Rejoice: Congress Sends Bill to President Outlawing Bear Attacks on State and Federal Land During Hunting Season! Bears Stunned, Vow Supreme Court Battle.

November 2015
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DP – Walla Walla Washington

In one stunningly bold and unifying move, Congress shocked America by presenting a Bill to the President that would effectively end bear attacks on deer hunters during bow hunting season.

The last pure bastion of the American hunter, bow hunters have been required, for decades, to carry a sidearm in the unlikely event that a bear attacks them and they lack the desire to become a bear burrito.  This will no longer be necessary as the President has said he will gladly sign such a groundbreaking piece of well-crafted legislation.

Bear attacks are responsible for dozens of deaths during hunting season as they look to bulk up for their long winter’s nap by raiding “picanic baskets”.  The DP interviewed one Yogi “the” Bear who was said to be incredulous at the notion that he would have to maintain a safe distance of 100 yards from any hunter lest he be charged with felonious loitering in the proximity of an unarmed hunter.  An offense punishable by not more than two years in a federal pen.

The Bill also sets up a penal system for lawbreaking bears that, in a stunning show of solidarity, will be staffed by PETA members who promise to show the bears a new, healthier vegetarian way of life to help them move to a more sustainable, kinder, caring adulthood. These re-educated bears will be affectionately known as care bears.

The main impetus behind the legislation was to help hunters avoid having to break the law by carrying a loaded firearm during bow hunting season.  While those who possess a concealed carry permit could carry a sidearm, those who didn’t possess such a license were required to break the law if they were to thwart an impending bear attack but now that the attacks will be illegal from the moment the President signs the Bill into Law, hunters will be free to leave their firearms at home because no bear in his right mind would break the law.

And therein lies the rub.

Now, the sad thing about this farse of a “news article” is not the ridiculous nature of Congress and the President attempting to control things beyond their control. They do that on a daily basis.

The sad thing is that you didn’t know the Federal Government is blocked by the Constitution from passing laws dictating what States will do with State land. Well, that and the fact that you think passing laws will stop bad people from being bad. But hey, let’s not be negative.

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7 Comments

  1. jlouisemac says:

    huh, didn’t even realize that bear attacks was that big of a problem, especially for bow hunters. Interesting.

    • bgddyjim says:

      My buddy bill and I had either a bear or a mountain lion come into our camp… We were in a tent. Fortunately I had a 9mm, a .40 and my buddy had his. 357.

      It wasn’t a problem, definitely spooky though.

  2. Dan says:

    Love this. Unfortunately, too many people of the PETA mindset would miss the satire. Well done Sir!

  3. bribikes says:

    Haha! This post wins best title of the year award, at least in my book!

    You mention the Constitution in your post, what is the Constitution anyway? I don’t think any of our lawmakers have ever heard of it.

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