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Bgddy Jim on Good Old-fashioned Lovin’


I’ve mentioned on this blog that my wife and I were pretty close to divorce at one time but I’ve never written about why.

Now, my wife was a tremendous pain if my butt back then, of this there is no doubt.  This is the last I will write of that fact because it doesn’t matter.  What does matter, what I can do something about, is me.  Oh, you can kid yourself into believing it’s about them but, excepting physical abuse, the idea is largely silly.

If not for your spouse’s faults, they’d have picked a better mate.  Let that sink in a second because it sure hit me hard…

Okay, now with all of the tough guy stuff out of the way, allow me to get down to the good stuff.

I was afraid to love my wife all the way.  Simple as that.  I went to a therapist, solo and with my wife for three years to figure that simple truth out.

What if I gave it everything I had and she didn’t change?  Then I’d be hooked and still miserable!

What if I went all in and she ended up cheating on me?  I’d be devastated!

What if it didn’t work?

Notice that theme there?  A lot of “what if’s” and not a one of them any good. This was my worst fault in my marriage. Entirely fear-based and useless.

I had to let that part of me go. It wasn’t anything ridiculous or sexy, like an exorcism or something. I just had to let go of my fear and love my wife… and what do you know, when I did my part, I noticed an immediate change in my wife. The harder I worked at being a better husband, the harder my wife worked at being an awesome wife – we fed off of each other’s willingness to be a better spouse.

That’s not the end of the story though – it gets a lot better. Once we had a decent foundation under us, once we had something to work for, we had something to protect. And we did. We protected what we’d worked for and our marriage grew into something that several years ago, I’d thought was impossible.

This is my favorite part; if you ask my wife, she started this. She reached out and I changed because she did first. The cool thing is, I’m perfectly okay with her side of the story because it doesn’t matter how we got to this place. It just matters that we did.

End of story.

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10 Comments

  1. It’s great to hear a little about how your marriage changed. 🙂

  2. That’s great. A lot of couples could change everything around if only they both put in the effort! Glad it came out this way 🙂

  3. do i use “love” a lot when i respond to your posts? well, this time isn’t different. i love this post, and i love that you love your wife. i’m suspect when i meet men who berate their wives, degrading them mentally, physically, and emotionally, to their faces and behind their backs. i’m also suspect when i meet men unable to see that they… like their wives… have picked a partner whose neuroses are mutual; same-same, matchy-matchy. 🙂 i hate to say this next thing… maybe take it with some salt… i think men who are loving and loyal to their wives and marriages are the best social mates, because they **can** be people with personality when they leave the house… instead of prowlers with something to prove or someone to “hunt and gather” in mixed company. does that make sense? truly, men who love their wives and who are loyal to their marriage are a wonderful breed. cheers

    • bgddyjim says:

      Thanks Weronika, I suppose, yes. I do get what you’re getting at. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with it, but it could very well be you’re right. I just know for certain I’m a lot happier today than I was back then.

  4. Sheree says:

    Lovely!

  5. So... says:

    Today is our 20th wedding anniversary and your post is just so spot on! Thank you for sharing.

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