Watch this video first, it’s a short one:

Okay, now I have some additional tips to add to this because they leave a lot out as can be witnessed by the Single Barrel Snot Rocket demonstration at 1:44 into the clip…  Notice how much he got on his shoulder?  Yeah, that’s unacceptable – and unnecessary.  In all fairness, they’re filming this with a vehicle of some sort in front of them with a camera mounted to it, that limits what one can do to excavate one’s nose drippings.

Rule number one:  Depending on the size of the group you happen to be riding in, the last position in a pace line is the best place to launch a snot rocket.  If you’ve got one in the breech, wait till after your turn at the front and slide to the back.  Or, if things are threatening to drip, which sucks, signal to those behind you, give a few good, hard pedal strokes to accelerate as you move over and out of the pace line and fall back.  Or simply wait for a stop sign at an intersection to move to the back.  All three of these options work well.

Wind!

The wind will dictate which side you blow the snot rocket from.  A crosswind from the left, you blow to the right and vice-versa.  A headwind?  Doesn’t matter – whichever side you’re comfortable with.  DO NOT try to blow snot into the wind.  You’ll end up with snot all over you and your bike… and dried snot is a pain in the butt to get off of a bike without a blow torch*.

Single Barrel All the Way…

I am a single barrel snot rocket launcher because it’s easiest to keep from getting snot on me (as long as I respect the wind direction).  I also disagree with their assessment that one must turn to the other side to clear the other nostril.  This is not true at all.  One must just be artful about it – and speed is your friend.  The faster one rides, the more air one must push out of the way.  This creates a vortex around the body and that vortex can be taken advantage of for the purpose of blowing snot.

How To…

Let’s say you’ve got a left to right crosswind so you want to blow your snot rocket to your right (never into the wind).  For your right nostril, simply reach over with your left hand, turn your head a bit and plug your left nostril and blow.  If you crane your neck a little to the right, this will help even more.  Now, to clear your left nostril to the right, that vortex becomes even more important – I would not attempt this below 17.45 mph!  Also, be careful to drop off the back just a little bit because you’re going to take your eyes off the road for a second and at 20 miles an hour you travel more than 30 feet in that time…  Make sure you’ve got clear road ahead.  Now, the vortex created by your body pushing through the wind will be greatest around your torso.  Replace your left hand on the hood or bar top, remove your right from its perch then rotate your head further to the right and down so that you blow the snot rocket under your arm pit.  If you get the angle wrong by an inch or so, the vortex will catch that snot and push it away from your body.

Practice makes perfect…  BUT…

Practice makes perfect but imperfect practice makes you messy.  Be careful – both about blowing a half of a nose-full of snot on yourself and mind your surroundings.  You must be certain the road is clear or you’ll be taking a huge risk.  With a little bit of practice, the one-sided single barrel approach is a very natural motion and can be completed in a fraction of a second with some diligent practice.

To wrap this up, if you blow snot on someone behind you, you will be thought of as what they call a twatwaffle.  You do not want this and I do not want this for you – mind your snot.  Please, for the love of God and all that is Holy.

*Parody, not to be taken seriously…  Do not, under any circumstances, take a blow torch to your bike to remove snot.  I can’t believe I had to come up with disclaimer.  [Bows and shakes head]