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The Dominator; New Bike Dominates All, According to Bike Radar…

March 2017
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…  Perhaps the greatest bike ever built!

The Dominator is the product of research and passion. The designers had both opinions and dreams. They had a pencil and a laptop with an external mouse and they sketched things on paper and shaded it so you know they are serious. One of them rides a fixed gear bicycle to his office. His laptop has an ENDURO sticker over the illuminated fruit logo.

The Dominator is raced by a team. They have not won many races but their kit looks like that successful team you’ve heard of. You know the one. They provide valuable feedback about bicycles that need to be both comfortable and fast.

The Dominator’s frame is very advanced and clever. It is the result of lots of discussions with a factory who specialises in making frames. Many iterations have been viewed on the screen of the ENDURO laptop and slightly changed. In the press release the designers will mention how they explored three hundred and twenty variations to achieve this perfection. This is how you will know that they are People Who Ride Bikes just like you.

The Dominator’s frame is laterally stiff, but not in an unoriginal way. It has unparalleled responsiveness, but not like those other bikes. Its bottom bracket is beefy, chunky, muscular and massive, but it has the narrowest Q-factor ever recorded. Your heels will touch one another when you are dominating on the Dominator.

The seatstays are pencil thin, something the designers understand well because they have a pencil. The chainstays are large and boxy, something the designers understand because they have seen a large box. The Dominator’s cables are internal and external. They are subterranean and fibre optic. One of them is a hose when the need arises.

The Dominator’s top tube is both flat and round. Its cross-section is a diamond because it takes pressure to make diamonds and the designers understand pressure. They didn’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helped.

The Dominator’s headtube tapers more than anyone believed possible. The lower bearing is the largest thing in existence, the upper is an infinitely small dot, a singularity of low friction steering precision. This is a bicycle that goes both where you point it and everywhere.

The Dominator has a fork which is aero. The shape of the fork blades is inspired by both nature and science. They are dimpled to eliminate micro vortices, smooth to eliminate macro vortices and sticky to collect flies for important nutritional research.

The Dominator has handlebars. They are ergonomic, economic, antibiotic and pedagogic, because they teach you the value of holding onto things.

The Dominator’s seatpost is skinny because nothing looks as good as compliance feels. It is stout because ignorance is strength. The saddle mounted on the special seatpost has cut-outs for your perineum, your sit bones, your genitals and a tyre lever.

The Dominator’s wheels are stiff, but not too stiff, and not really that stiff at all. They use standard proprietary parts and they are wide to make the brakes feel useful. The front wheel is tubeless-ready.

The Dominator climbs like a homesick angel. It descends like a heat-seeking missile that has detected heat at the bottom of the hill. In a sprint, the rear triangle and the front triangle remain connected to one another and the bicycle moves forward quickly with each successive pedal stroke.

The Dominator is the greatest bike ever made. It is available in all colours, and none.

That about sums up a lot of the bullshit out there.   In other words, buy a Venge, knock the horns off, wipe its ass and ride it like a rented bull.  Or a Cervelo, or a Trek Madone, Willier, Salsa, Giant, Passoni….  You get the idea (my humble apologies if I didn’t include your bike brand of choice).

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5 Comments

  1. biking2work says:

    Totally agree except that I think that I might need some dimpled forks to eliminate micro vortices-this is all that I need to get up to a consistent average 26km/hr commute

  2. Yep. Buy the bike that, if you saw it parked outside the café, you’d be jealous.

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