In my post yesterday, I mentioned my saint of a wife for taking double duty now that I’m working out of town and commuting every day. By the time 8pm rolls around, I’m done. Cooked. Stick a fork in me, it’s time to rest. My normal Thursday meeting is at 7:30, so this presents a little bit of trouble for me driving home.
My wife has been taking me to my meeting so I don’t have to drive – she lets me sleep in the car on the way home. Since she’s been taking me, I’ve never stayed awake all the way home and I’m usually out sooner than five minutes after leaving the parking lot.
My wife knows, just as well as I do, that I have to make my meetings. Meetings are what keep me grounded in the program. They’re what keep my head screwed on straight. They’re what remind me just how powerless I am in the face of my addiction(s).
My friends, I read a lot of hoopla centered around how abstinence from drugs or alcohol shouldn’t be necessary for “recovery”. Those who believe that bullshit don’t know people like me. I am, and always will be, until the day before I’m lowered into the ground, a two-fisted drinker. One in each hand and a case between my legs. I have tried everything there is to not be that way and the best I got was a few overnight stays at the Livingston County Hotel – also known as the Livingston County Jail.
To thine own self be true, and my truth is there is a zero percent chance of me drinking successfully. To that end, I keep going to meetings because I’m just dumb enough to try to find ways around that reality.
Last night was that reminder. We had a new guy, fresh off a relapse on heroin and alcohol (two downers, that’ll tell you something). Two small kids, an ex-wife, and he’s already trying to get back together with her. He’s been straight for a few days and he shakes like a leaf. Listening to him talk, he’s an absolute mess. He’s even worse off than not having a clue, because he’d been in once before so he’s just arrogant enough to think he knows what he’s talking about… he just can’t keep from sticking a needle in his arm or drinking when the heroin money runs out.
But for the grace of God, there go I, and I know this down to my baby toes. I will make my meetings, even if my ass falls off. And in the event it does, I’ll put it in a plastic bag and take it to a meeting because they’ll be able to show me how to put it back on. Because that’s simply how it works.
I will remain teachable today.