The definition of insanity as applied to recovery was ever thus; doing the same thing(s), over and over again, and expecting different results.
I’ve been reading a guy who fancies himself a victim because he is terrible at not drinking. The problem, as he doesn’t see it, is that he does everything wrong. Going by what he writes on his blog, it appears he makes the exact same choices he did when he was using and can’t figure out why he keeps getting drunk. Oh, he’ll get some piece of advice that’s going to be the game changer, that’ll finally change his attitude so that he won’t pick up again… It’s a breakthrough, you see! Then, sooner than later, he falls into an old pattern and he’s back out, wondering what the hell just happened.
Like I said at the beginning, the very definition of insanity.
My friends, that’s simply the way we roll. Insanely. The only reason for my success in recovery, the one single thing that set the recovery process in motion so I could actually recover, is that I quit fighting recovery. I gave up every notion, read that again for the cheap seats, e-v-e-r-y notion that I could ever be, or live like, a normal drinker again. That means near beer, too; near beer, near death, that means any form of dope (including pot), because I didn’t drink (or do drugs) for taste, I drank for effect. Without the effect, there would always be something missing, something gnawing at the back of my mind that says, “Oh, hey, a you could switch to a real beer now… you’ve got this licked. You’ve been sober for “x” days/weeks/months.” That’s the fight I quit having.
Not having the fight meant all of my old friends, all of my old life, all of my old haunts… everything was out. Done. Gone. I quit fighting recovery so I could transform into being “normal”. Because, my friends, once alcohol is added, I am anything but normal.
I remain sober because I understand the definition of insanity. I accept it for what it is. And I quit trying to outsmart a disease that can’t be outsmarted. Ever. The insanity is trying to live a drunkard’s life without being drunk… and one of the hardest habits to break because being a drunk wasn’t bad all of the time – even at the end, when I was completely out of options, there were still some good times.
That’s what it takes for me to be happy, though. I don’t know of any other way… but to quit being freakin’ nuts when I quit drinking. If someone else finds a way to keep doing the same $#!+, but actually get different results, well more power to them. I don’t expect I’d follow along, though. To even try would be insane.
Either I am, or I am not. There is no betwixt.
Just a thought.