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The problem I have with blaming my faults and troubles on “society”… and why it never works.

Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.  Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.  They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an example of self-will run riot, though they usually don’t think so.

Page 62 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

So here’s a little secret; your average person isn’t any better than the alcoholic when it comes to stepping on the toes of others, then blaming them for the reaction.  We recovered/recovering drunks and addicts keep it simple by keeping it about the alcoholic or addict, but normal folk can benefit from this simple truth just the same.  When I lay blame outside myself, I take the emphasis off of the one person on this rock I can actually change; me.

If I’m worried about what “society” does or doesn’t “think”, I would suggest I’ve got a bigger problem in the first place!  First, what society says or thinks is nebulous at best; usually thoughts or sleights made up by those who want a good excuse to blame someone else for their troubles, faults or lot in life.  The best part is, there’s no solution, no way to actually fix the problem.  You say “society” profits off of people’s insecurities, right?  Let’s delve into that a bit.

Say we see ourselves as, or we “feel”, fat (when I “feel” fat, wouldn’t you know, my scale backs that “feeling” up).  We typically don’t like that we ate enough to get that way, but guess what; not liking that we did ain’t gonna change that we did.  It’s not fair that chocolate makes me fat if I eat too much of it, right?  Fair or not, doesn’t matter.  If I eat too much, my big ass will weigh heavily on the scale.  Society doesn’t make me feel one way or another about being overweight.  The scale and mirror do all of the damage.  Oh, I can blame society for how I feel, sure, but that’s a donut shop lie.

For those who haven’t frequented this blog for years, what’s a donut shop lie?

That’s the lie you tell everyone else sitting with you at the donut shop counter, knowing the they won’t call you on it.  Worse, that donut shop lie is a pernicious little bugger, because once the teller of that BS believes it, they’re absolutely screwed because in real life, you can look at “changing what society thinks” like this:  whilst, and at the same time, pissing into the wind and howling at the moon, yell at the top of your lungs that society should change its attitude and be nicer to you.  Now, let me know when you’re tired of pissing on yourself because you’ll drown before anything outside your own gray matter changes.

This comes down to one simple question:  Do I want to be right, or happy?  I can’t have both.  If you want to be happy, and I surely do, I can explain a two-step process that will release you from the bondage of “society”.  It did me.  Ready?

  1. Don’t lie, cheat, steal, or hurt other people.  Do the next right thing in any given situation.
  2. Here’s the important part, repeat after me; as long as I’m doing the first item honestly and fairly, nobody else’s opinion of me matters.  This includes society, because I know I’m doing what’s good, fair and right.

Now, I’m going to ask you a question.  I’m one of the happiest people you’ll ever meet and I work in a meat grinder of an industry.  I have an extremely stressful job.  Do you honestly think I spend one second of any day giving one, single flying f*** what society thinks about anything?  F*** no I don’t.  Think of these little, rich ninnies and politicians talking about the ills of the world over a French Laundry meal with their $600 bar tab that some special interest is paying for as a soft bribe… oh, things would be so much better if everyone would just live like they think we should.  Meantime these corrupt, conniving motherf***rs are bending or breaking every rule they think we should live by because they honestly believe those rules shouldn’t apply to them.  And you want to worry about what that thinks?  Folks, when you look at it that way, trying to follow that nebulous horseshit is, put simply, bat-shit crazy.

Don’t participate.  Live your life well and come to find you don’t have any time or place in your life for what “society” thinks.  You’ve got better things to think about.