A friend let me in on a secret that I’d been living for the past three decades (or close to it) but never paid close enough attention to put two and two together. For starters, the math is vastly more complex that I just made it sound – especially for someone who tends to flow through life, letting it happen and being generally happy in whatever comes.
It turns out, I rarely strive for greater things – not out of laziness, but because they tend to happen all on their own. Much as I described above, I just let changes happen and roll with it. The interesting question is, am I retarding my own progress by not giving it a little more effort?
Now that’s a good question.
So, I’m at a new frontier in my recovery and I’m putting the effort into it to see how close to the light I can get without… erm… crossing over into it.
My friend, Pete, suggested this is normal for recovering folk. We start out life entirely needy and completely self-centered. The theory goes, as we progress in addiction, we rarely get much better, until we find recovery. Then we begin replacing the self-centric dark with light and the further we get into recovery, the more the dark is replaced by light until it’s time to finally meet God.
This sounds like a fun journey so I’m going to give it a go and see where it takes me. I’ll be writing more about this in the near future.
I have a first issue to tackle, and that started Saturday night. It turns out, I have a massive flaw that was lurking in a blind spot: It was exposed Saturday night that when I have something to lose that I care deeply about I change from the courageous me to something passive and compliant so as not to create waves. This has become a problem because those issues that I allow to go by to keep the peace build up over time and become resentments, which in turn get in the way of me being the best version of me – the me that I want to be. To make the situation worse, I try to let all of that go (per the program) so that only splinters of problems remain but the full resentment gets buried deep enough that the splinters are twice as difficult as they should be to dig out.
Now, many people, especially program noobs, would look at something so daunting and be afraid of getting in there and getting their hands dirty with fixing it. That is imperfect thinking. I am looking at how much better it will be to be me when I get that issue corrected. I thought I was free before! It’ll be amazing when I’m done with this mess.