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Locked Away, a Point and an Answer… A Comical Look at a Stupid Question.


November 2015

“If I got locked away
And we lost it all today
Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?”

So asks a new song by Rock City featuring Adam Levine

So is asked what is tied for the dumbest question in music history.  Don’t ask me for competing idiotic questions, they abound, but that’s not the point. Fair warning kids, you might need your “safe space” and your pacifier after this one – we’re going to leave the micro aggressions in the rearview mirror and tap dance on macro for a bit… To quote a legend, “It’s gonna get bumpy”.

The correct answer the question the song asks is “no”, which shall also be preceeded by a four-letter explicative that begins with the letter “F”.  We’re not quite done with that answer though.  Let’s press on ladies, with:  “If you loved me, even a little bit, you would refrain from doing something so stupid that you could land in prison in the first place.”

Let’s look at that question another way:  “Honey, if I lost control and beat the shit out of you because you didn’t have dinner on the table on time, would you still love me the same?” Put that way, hopefully we can all agree the answer should be “F@€k no! I would leave your stupid @$$ immediately if not sooner.”

Now, I’m not going to call for a boycott of anything, I’m not going to call for some idiot to go to sensitivity training. I am not going to complain about the younger generation “not getting it”. Nor am I going to whine that I need a “safe place” with a year-supply of fresh diaper wipes and pacifiers on the shelf so I can hide from the fact that the world is sometimes an ugly place. Boys and girls, Democrats used to call safe spaces “separate but equal” in the past, and used that to make people ride in the back of the bus, or go to inferior, run-down schools so those kids really had no chance to hope for anything better than a job in the “service industry” (as they call it). Look it up.

The attitude, that a person should forgive and love, unequivocally, the other for being a loser was around before Jesus roamed the Earth.

This reminds me of a funny ex-girlfriend. My then girlfriend and I were having a disagreement. She was verbally pushing my buttons and I, hers. On the way up the stairs she paused at the landing, wheeled around and punched me right in the gut. I’d seen it coming so I tensed up enough that I was able to keep my composure and I asked her, “What was that, should we call the cops and get you a room at the jail for a night?”

Her classy reply was, “What, now you’re going to be a pussy about it?”

I chuckled and said, “No dear, I’m not. You try that shit again and I’ll knock your block off.”

That punch to the gut was the beginning of the end of that relationship. First, had I stuck around, eventually she was going to take another shot at me. Second, I would have responded by punching her square in the mouth**, probably landing myself in jail. Third, I couldn’t stop asking myself, who in their right mind would stick a relationship out through that? Why?! While I firmly believe in the old “men don’t hit ladies”, I certainly don’t believe in sticking around to be a punching bag for a bitch with issues either.

For the first time in my young life I started to understand that just because I happened to be dating a woman, or in this case, living with one (out of wedlock), it didn’t mean I had to stick with it as if I were indeed married – if the woman I was with wasn’t capable of giving me the relationship I wanted, there was no sense in prolonging the agony, hoping for a change that would never come.

I broke things off, entirely, within two months and I would go on to take a little more than a year off, no relationships, to work on being a better me so I could attract a better woman. She wasn’t so lucky. She expected me to stick around, so the break up hit her pretty hard. She ended up in a psych ward shortly thereafter. Now, you might think, “Oh, how sad for her.” and I agree, but I called it right when I decided not to stick that unnecessary drama out…

At the end of my hiatus from dating, when I was ready, I met and dated a woman who just didn’t want to commit. I broke up with her immediately. Why waste my time? After all of that work getting myself straight, I fully got it: If the woman I like can’t give me what I want, move on and find the one who can.

I started dating the woman who turned out to be my wife shortly thereafter (like a week later, maybe two at the most) and we’ve been together since… More than 20 years and my wife is everything I hoped for. Now the relationship is worth sticking through the hard times… but because I picked a good woman, those hard times likely won’t involve either one of us enduring a long stint in the slammer. Incidentally, we both laughed and answered the question the same way: “Um, no.” The kids were listening so we didn’t bother with the explicative.

Now, to young ladies… If the question, “If I went to prison, would you still love me the same?” seems like a romantic question, there’s something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Seriously. Real love is never having to ask that in the first place. Real love is a man who asks, “Honey, shall I grill steaks for dinner tonight, or would you like to go out?” Real love is “Would you love me the same if I was a carpenter?”, not an inmate.

So, if your man sings you that song, with a sparkle in his eyes, he obviously has no clue what love is. Run away. Very, very far. Very fast. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you have to answer that question for real.

**My thoughts on how things should be handled when it comes to physical assault in a relationship: Obviously, there should be none. Zero, zip, nada. However, perhaps I’m a bit old-school in believing that ladies should never be struck. Now, here’s the trick: a lady would never strike a man, more than a slap, which is fair and good. On the other hand, I also believe in equality. If a woman is going to punch like a man, she has every right to be treated equally. If that angers you, well okay. What makes a woman so special she can hide behind “the lady clause” and run around trying to be a thug? It doesn’t work that way. I think the belief that a woman has the right to commit assault without expectation of reciprocity falls into the macro aggression category, but who knows, there was no such thing as micro aggressions when I went to college, so I only learned how to make a living, not tap dance on eggshells. And it shows from time to time. My apologies.


  1. Expectations are a lot lower nowadays. Which is incredibly sad. If my husband went to jail, I’d drop his ass in two seconds. Unless it was something stupid like ‘I forgot to pay a parking ticket’ and it lasted all of one day. Anyone who puts themselves at risk to be ‘put away’ for years and lose everything doesn’t give a shit about you or the life you’ve made together. And, as a woman… I agree 100%. Don’t hit a man/woman/dog/whatever in an argument — everyone should have the right to fight back and defend themselves.

  2. Sandra says:

    Nailed it. Egads. Anger is normal, violence is not. Spousal and relationship abuse goes both ways . . . in my previous life, I was married to someone who could have ended up in jail (not for physical abuse, thankfully). I’ve never written about that life, suffice it to say, I welcomed his arrest and imprisonment (sadly, that never happened, and I really have myself to blame)–because then I would have had the courage to leave his ass. . . 17.5 years later, after the last of our pups died, he gave me that opportunity. No regrets.
    It’s amazing how some of us put up with shit too long for the fear of the unknown. If only I had known I had the power inside me all along. That’s the message of Glenda, the Good Witch–but I didn’t hear it, apparently.
    YAY for new starts!~ AND GREAT MESSAGE, MY FRIEND!

  3. I wish I was a carpenter. I’d make so much cool stuff.

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